May 2018 Personal Update

As Wondrous Wave is an extension of me, it will change as I go through changes. This passion project serves as a message of healing to the world and every healer knows when to step back and when to step forward.

I have needed to step back.

If you would have asked me years ago where I would be now, I’d have answered completely differently from the reality that is now but that’s life–isn’t it?

2017 hit me like a brick. I had problems in my relationship, a loss, got fired from a job that I thought would be my dream job (turned worst nightmare) and my romantic relationship disintegrated. I had reached an all time personal low of self-esteem and self confidence at the end of 2017 into 2018 that I’m honestly still pulling myself out of… it’s exhausting.

However, I’ve learned some lessons:

  1. You can give 100% and still utterly fail. This lesson I was introduced to first with a failed female friendship a few years ago, I tried and tried but there was nothing I could do to make her pull her weight in the relationship or emotionally connect with me like I had with her– all relationships take work. If the other person isn’t willing to do the work, you’re just going to keep trying and they will hinder any progress possible because they are unwilling. This lesson was also exemplified in my loss of employment as well as my romantic relationship (one lesson of many.) I did everything in my power to be the employee they wanted me to be even when it felt toxic and I wanted to leave, I stuck it  out. However, I still failed. My partner and I were faced with the fact that we didn’t have the same life goals and I didn’t feel that our relationship was progressing or evolving, I did all I could to make him happy even if I wasn’t. Everything I did was so that I could fit into his life, but he didn’t fit into mine. I hope that I have learned this lesson this time round and know for next time what to do and what not to do.
  2. I am an autonomous person that makes choices and is responsible for myself and no one elseThis may seem obvious but it can be really easy to let go of your own autonomy in life and just sit in the back seat while your career or lover or friend drives. Sometimes the choices you have to make may hurt you and/or others, but if it’s what you ultimately feel is best you have to get through it and find ways to move on. Women are notorious for feeling they need to nurture and take care of people in their lives and feel a sense of obligation and responsibility because we’ve been taking care of others since we were little girls and had dolls to play baby and mommy with– it’s culturally a part of being a ‘traditional woman’…I have had a hard time of putting myself first. When I’m upset I’ll put another’s needs and happiness in front of mine and do what I can so at least they are happy and I’ve realized this now.
  3. Before you’ve set your heart on someone, decided on them get to know what their goals are and what YOUR GOALS are for LIFE. It’s that old adage: falling in love is easy, staying in love is hard. I’ve always had an active imagination, even as a child my teacher would send me home with notes pinned to my shirt about being a daydreamer. I had ‘daydreamed’ my future with my partner and before I knew it I was discussing it with him and realized the future I envisioned was not the same as the future he envisioned for himself. It crushed me. Part of this was my own fault for letting myself get lost in a dream but another part of it was making an emotional investment that would never pay off. Some things are just deal breakers in relationships, they cannot be changed or compromised and that’s that.
  4. Just because your partner isn’t initiating, doesn’t mean you aren’t sexy or beautiful or wonderful. We can rely heavily on how our romantic partners perceive us or desires us as a gauge of our own beauty or appeal– this is not a healthy behavior. Self confidence and self esteem must come from the SELF. Yes, it’s thrillingly affirming when your partner wants you or compliments you but you must believe that you are beautiful and sexy and wonderful first for it to mean anything truly. I let this get to me. I was once confident and sexy and my own woman and the lack of love/lust/desire/affirmation wore me down. I’m still in process of building myself back up again. That’s okay.
  5.  In an instant, your life can change again– for the better. From unfulfillment and despair one moment to adventure the next, life is funny. There’s so much I want to accomplish in life and I’m starting to feel like all my goals are possible.

As you can see, there’s no shop portion to Wondrous Wave, I am not offering readings at this point in time. I will be regularly posting to this blog on topics I feel passionately about and you may even catch a podcast or two… The regularity may be… irregular. I have too many things in the air for anything to be truly rooted at the moment for a set posting schedule. I will do my best to keep creating content!

Love, blessings and light (should you choose to accept them)

 

Wave